Monday, December 15, 2008

C.L.A.S.S. part 2

So, the neighbor came down and admitted defeat. Turns out, he's not even putting up lights this year at all. He's taking some time to re-group and plan next year's layout. You would think this news would leave me elated, full of pride, and with a head swollen to the size of an eighty year old prostrate gland, but not so. Truth is, I need the competition in order to showcase my greatness by comparison. So I have taken to the streets lately so that I may mock other neighborhood displays and confirm my superiority. Here's what I have found...

Poorly decorated trees. Please don't put a strand of lights in your tree, because it looks bad... like you just threw a strand of lights at your tree and then plugged them in. Which, of course, is what you did. There aren't nearly enough lights to make it appealing, and the top of the tree is almost impossible to reach. The result is a single helix of anemic Christmas cheer floating in the middle of an otherwise undecorated landscape like a second grade model of malignant DNA. Not impressive.

Puffers. The name refers to those who like the new-fangled inflatable decorations. Although these may be impressive to some because of their sheer size, to me they simply represent a lack of imagination. So you have proven that you can open a box and plug in an extension cord... big deal? Unless you have to get out the ladder and risk life and limb to climb up onto your roof, you aren't trying hard enough. Not to mention that when unplugged, Santa looks like he was up way too late drinking the night before and simply passed out on the lawn. Explain that to your children.

Cutters. These are the people who display painted plywood cutouts, usually with an uplight. These can be very festive indeed, but sometimes they stray a bit from the Christmas theme. For instance, there is a cove near me that is full of cutters, and the high rate of participating houses is impressive. The trouble is, all of their cutouts are Disney related. What do Buzz Lightyear, Peter Pan, and Mickey Mouse have in common? I don't know, but it ain't Christmas. I know the economy is bad right now, but I had no idea that classic Disney animations were out there trying to hustle a dollar, perhaps displaying signs that read, "Will work for ink."

Computer controlled displays. Apparently, having a computer flash your lights on and off in syncopation to bad Christmas music somehow saves electricity. Personally, I would rather spend a few extra bucks than torture the neighbors with flashing lights and Manheim Steamroller all through the night. Isn't that the same technique the FBI employed to make David Koresh burn down the Branch Davidian complex in Waco? Don't get me wrong, flashing lights have their place, but unless your garage is full of slot machines and you offer table games in your basement and free booze around the clock, just leave your lights burning, please.

So, with just a few days left until Christmas, I am satisfied with my light display... this year. Soon everything will be on sale for half off or less, and I will scoop up supplies for next year. After all, the neighbor is planning something spectacular, I just know it, and I can't be outdone! And without revealing too much of my plans, if anyone knows where I can score about 200 feet of sturdy, yet bendable wire let me know. And any tips on welding would be appreciated, too. Merry Christmas to all, and please don't stare too long at my house, it may burn your retinas.


mick said...

I gotta mig welder you can borrow and I bet dad can score the wire lol

Sassy Molassy said...

But where are the pictures, Clark? How do we know you're not just making this fantabulous display up?