Friday, July 10, 2009

The Bachelor

Well, the wife and kids are back, and the house is a mess again. There are puzzles scattered all over the floor, the contents of the wife's purse are strewn about the house, potty chairs dot the landscape like rusty cars in a field, the kitchen is overflowing with dirty dishes and half eaten meals the twins grew bored with, and I couldn't be happier. I must admit that I missed everybody more than I could have imagined.

I thought it would be a piece of cake. I had a sound plan. Play golf and relax without the wife and kids to bother me. Sure, the golf was fun, but when I got home to an empty house... I got bored. There was no wife for me to pester and annoy. Nobody in sight for me to pick on and aggravate. I had nothing to entertain me for four whole days but a few old episodes of the Phil Silvers Show, otherwise known as Sgt. Bilko. I watched each episode twice and fell into a deep depression, unable to remove myself from the couch.

I thought I might be more productive without having to watch out for two toddlers, but without those twins providing me with motivation, I was useless. Usually the twins will use me as a trampoline-slash-monkey bars for a couple of hours when I get up in the morning while I try to drink coffee and catch up on the news. Then I get frustrated and must remove myself from the kicking and prodding and clawing and climbing and the smashing of my private parts. There's only so much I can take, after all, so I put on Thomas and go clean the kitchen or take out the trash, just to get some peace. But here I was, all alone, enjoying nothing but peace, and I was too miserable to clean a thing. Fortunately for me, there was nobody here to make a mess, so the house looked pretty much like it did before the wife up and left me to my own devices.

I survived on the bare essentials... chips, Rotel dip, bratwurst, and buns. I had some sauteed onions and peppers with the bratwurst because I needed some vegetables in my diet. One morning I got creative and made a bratwurst, onion, and pepper omelet. It was a masterpiece of bachelor cuisine, if I do say so myself. That's not all I ate, of course. There were a few helpings of fine fast food in there also. In four days, I dirtied one skillet, three plates, two glasses, and three tupperware dishes. Not bad. I did manage to mow the yard and set off a couple of flea bombs, just so the wife couldn't say I didn't do anything. Of course, the cats have replenished the house with fleas by now, but at least the flies are dead.

I was glad to come home last night to find the wife waiting up for me. I missed her dearly. So much so that I didn't even pick on her one little bit. Then I snuck into the kids' room just to have a look at them. I got down on my hands and knees and kissed Jack on the cheek. Then my eyes adjusted to the dim light and I realized it was his butt cheek. No matter. I would have kissed Ella, too, but she was writhing and moaning and speaking in tongues as if a Pentecostal pastor were laying hands on her, casting out her demons, and I didn't want to wake her. But I sure was glad to see them this morning... and my dirty house, too.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Potty Like A Rock Star

Ella is now pooping in the potty pretty regular, and we are so proud of our big girl! She wears big girl panties with Elmo on them and she struts around the house showing them off. This is not to say that she doesn't have accidents, because she does, but she is growing up, indeed.

Of course, the downside of potty training is that everything you own will get peed upon or worse. As I laid down in my bed last night, I noticed that my right shoulder blade seemed much cooler than the rest of my body. Rolling on to my side, I could feel the moisture evaporating from it. I first placed a towel over the offending spot and changed the covers, but after a very short time, the cool sensation came back. I turned on the light and found that the wet spot had returned. The towel was not strong enough to thwart the saturated pillow top mattress, and was instead acting as a wick to draw the moisture back from below to taunt me again.

Then the wife told me a story. It seems that at some point earlier in the day, Ella had peed in the potty chair and not been interested enough to tell anybody. Later on, she rediscovered the pee and decided to redeem it for her customary "potty chocolates". She got overly excited, and ran toward her mother with the removable cup full of cold urine yelling "Mommy, mommy! Look!!". And as she thrust the cup toward her mother with great pride, the poor wife was covered in cold pee pee. But in true mommy fashion, she praised her daughter and gave her potty chocolates before going to change clothes herself. Yes, indeed. Now that's how you potty like a rock star!

Clean Car

As the wife prepares for a trip to her Mother's with the kids to learn how to can vegetables and such, I am preparing for a few days of bachelorhood and golf. But before I can start scratching myself where it itches without being chastised, I must make sure the car is safe and ready for travel. So I took the car in for an oil change and then decided to clean it out for the first time since our vacation five weeks ago.

Every time I clean the wife's car, I am amazed at just how disgusting it is. And each time it always seems worse than the last. I usually start filling up the trash can with the contents of the front seats and floorboards. This go 'round began with a few Chic-Fil-A bags followed by a six month old copy of "Gourmet" magazine and several bad directions courtesy of our friends at Mapquest. I wonder who has the worst track record, Mapquest, or your local meteorologist. Even the guy at the carnival guesses my age/weight/birth date more than 60% of the time, and he doesn't even have teeth. Anyway, back to the car...

As I open the back door to survey the damage, I say a little prayer that I don't get lost in the flotsam and jetsam collected therein, check my cell phone to ensure the batteries are charged, and tuck a couple of granola bars into my socks just in case. One day that Survivorman guy is going to shoot an entire episode inside our Nissan Murano, I'm sure of it. So here's a partial list of what I found...

Nine socks, thirteen books, four and a half pairs of shoes, three blueberries, twenty six stickers drowning in pools of melted petroleum that once held them fast to leather seats (thank god for leather), six Chic-Fil-A waffle fries without the first sign of decay, three battery operated toys (the most annoying one with dead batteries... lucky me), one soiled pull-up (number one, again, very lucky), an unopened package of pop-tarts, seven Capri Sun packages (none of which were totally empty), two shirts, one skirt, my baseball cap that has been missing for weeks, two sippy cups full of fermented apple juice, three toy cars, one toy dump truck, a baker's dozen melted crayons, seven grams by weight of unidentified crumbs, and enough raisins to choke a baboon.

And I learned something in the process which I will share with you now. Are you listening? YOU WILL NEVER, EVER, GET THAT PADDING OFF OF YOUR TODDLER'S CAR SEAT SO THAT YOU MAY WASH IT CLEAN OF URINE WITHOUT SEVERAL TOOLS WHICH YOU DO NOT CURRENTLY POSSESS OR WITHOUT SEVERELY DAMAGING SAID CAR SEAT SO JUST DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND PUT IT OUT IN THE SUN TO DRY BEFORE YOU PAINT YOURSELF RED AND RUN THROUGH THE NEIGHBORHOOD SCREAMING "I NEVER LEAVE MUFFLE MOUNTAIN AND I DON'T FRIGHTEN YOUR HORSE AND I WILL PROTECT THE LOST ENGINE EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T MAKE HER STEAM. HOO HOO!"