Clean Car

As the wife prepares for a trip to her Mother's with the kids to learn how to can vegetables and such, I am preparing for a few days of bachelorhood and golf. But before I can start scratching myself where it itches without being chastised, I must make sure the car is safe and ready for travel. So I took the car in for an oil change and then decided to clean it out for the first time since our vacation five weeks ago.

Every time I clean the wife's car, I am amazed at just how disgusting it is. And each time it always seems worse than the last. I usually start filling up the trash can with the contents of the front seats and floorboards. This go 'round began with a few Chic-Fil-A bags followed by a six month old copy of "Gourmet" magazine and several bad directions courtesy of our friends at Mapquest. I wonder who has the worst track record, Mapquest, or your local meteorologist. Even the guy at the carnival guesses my age/weight/birth date more than 60% of the time, and he doesn't even have teeth. Anyway, back to the car...

As I open the back door to survey the damage, I say a little prayer that I don't get lost in the flotsam and jetsam collected therein, check my cell phone to ensure the batteries are charged, and tuck a couple of granola bars into my socks just in case. One day that Survivorman guy is going to shoot an entire episode inside our Nissan Murano, I'm sure of it. So here's a partial list of what I found...

Nine socks, thirteen books, four and a half pairs of shoes, three blueberries, twenty six stickers drowning in pools of melted petroleum that once held them fast to leather seats (thank god for leather), six Chic-Fil-A waffle fries without the first sign of decay, three battery operated toys (the most annoying one with dead batteries... lucky me), one soiled pull-up (number one, again, very lucky), an unopened package of pop-tarts, seven Capri Sun packages (none of which were totally empty), two shirts, one skirt, my baseball cap that has been missing for weeks, two sippy cups full of fermented apple juice, three toy cars, one toy dump truck, a baker's dozen melted crayons, seven grams by weight of unidentified crumbs, and enough raisins to choke a baboon.

And I learned something in the process which I will share with you now. Are you listening? YOU WILL NEVER, EVER, GET THAT PADDING OFF OF YOUR TODDLER'S CAR SEAT SO THAT YOU MAY WASH IT CLEAN OF URINE WITHOUT SEVERAL TOOLS WHICH YOU DO NOT CURRENTLY POSSESS OR WITHOUT SEVERELY DAMAGING SAID CAR SEAT SO JUST DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND PUT IT OUT IN THE SUN TO DRY BEFORE YOU PAINT YOURSELF RED AND RUN THROUGH THE NEIGHBORHOOD SCREAMING "I NEVER LEAVE MUFFLE MOUNTAIN AND I DON'T FRIGHTEN YOUR HORSE AND I WILL PROTECT THE LOST ENGINE EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T MAKE HER STEAM. HOO HOO!"